The ABCS of Death

Lots of people have died on the toilet!

Year Released : 2012the-abcs-of-death-dvd-cover-94
Director : Various – 26 Different Directors
Cast : Numerous – Each segment contains at least two actors/actresses

Every once in a while a film comes along that you are just left stunned as to what you have just seen. Sometimes this can work in the positive stance, such as Avatar, the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, and several others, but there are times when you are just sat there stunned because you can’t believe how poor what you’ve just watched it, or the context of the film just left you shocked beyond anything that you could possibly imagine. This very much falls into the latter.

I first heard of this film when getting into a discussion about horror films with someone who worked at the local cinema and he highly recommended this film, although he told me to keep my mind very much open throughout. As soon as I saw it randomly online I thought I would go for it and to be honest, I really wish I hadn’t.

It’s hard to put into words just how depraved this film is. I can’t even put it into the same category as films such as “A Serbian Film” or “Human Centipede” because at least those made a tiny bit of sense and had a plot, whereas “The ABCs of Death” is just puerile nonsense from near enough start to finish.

If, like me, you somehow stick with it from start to finish then I commend you, but because I was just sat there for 120+ minutes really, really wanting it to end.

Plot

The film is divided into 26 small films, each lasting between 3-10 minutes each. Each segment was directed by a different person around the world and they were each given a letter of the alphabet and asked to produce a small film based on some method of dying.

A – Apocalypse – A woman makes several clumsy attempts to kill her husband.

B – Bigfoot – A scarred man terrorises a family

C – Cycle – A man finds a hole in his garden wall and finds himself in a timeloop

D – Dogfight – A man gets into a fist-fight with a dog. Yes, you’ve just read that correctly.

E – Exterminate – A man tries to kill a large spider that he spots off of the corner of his eye.

F – Fart – A girl has fallen in love with her teacher and upon realising they are going to die, she requests that the teacher farts in her face. Yes, again, you’ve just read that correctly.

G – Gravity – A man goes surfing but soon finds himself drowning.

H – Hydro-Electric Diffusion – A male dog is seduced by a female fox before the latter reveals herself to be part of the Nazi party.

I – Ingrown – A man injected a woman with a mysterious liquid and she soon develops an itch that she can’t get rid of.

J – Jidai-Geki – A man in a blue suit is asked to kill a man in a white suit.

K – Klutz – A woman goes to toilet but is soon followed around the bathroom by her faeces. Yet again, you’ve just read that correctly.

L – Libido – A man awakes to find himself involved in a battle against another man, with the objective being to ejaculate before the other, otherwise you’re killed.

M – Miscarriage – A woman attempts to flush a fetus down the toilet.

N – Nuptials – A man proposes to his girlfriend but she soon suspects he is having an affair based on what his parrot is saying.

O – Orgasm – A woman is shown as bondage and other such sexual fetishes are played out.

P – Pressure – A woman prostitutes herself before being asked to do a photoshoot where she kills a kitten.

Q – Quack – The directors of the film try to kill a duck.

R – Removed – A man has skin removed from his back that is used to create film footage.

S – Speed – A woman leads another woman through a seemingly abandoned building.

T – Toilet – A young boy is afraid to go to toilet because it turns into a monster.

U – Unearthed – A vampire is chased by an angry mob.

V – Vagitus – Women are made infertile by the government but can earn the right to gain their fertility back.

W – WTF! – Various mini-scenes

X – XXL – An overweight woman uses a knife to make herself thin.

Y – Youngbuck – A child interrupts an elderly man trying to lick up the sweat from where he has just sat.

Z – Zetsumetsu – Various events shown from a Japanese re-visioning of the west.

The-ABCs-of-Death-A-is-for-Apocalypse-e1362652827977

Erm………ok

I’m not going to beat around the bush, this is quite possibly the most depraved film that I have ever seen. There are one or two segments that are actually well made and are insightful, but there are others where you are sat there desperate for them to end. It’s full of moments where you are just left wondering why the hell you are actually watching and more to the point, why you are watching it.

I didn’t think this until Dogfight, where a man gets into a fist-fight with a dog, but then came Fart, which is one of the most unnecessarily puerile five minutes in cinema history. It starts with a girl saying that she doesn’t believe in God because how can a God allow a world where women can’t fart without it being looked down on. I really wish that there was a nicer way to put that but there really isn’t. The girl then asks her teacher to fart in her face and the room suddenly fills with a yellow mist as she does so, and the girl ends up being sucked up into the teacher’s nether-regions.

If that had been the only bizarre or depraved segment then I probably wouldn’t have been that concerned, but this sort of thing continues through numerous other segments. Klutz sees a woman who is killed when her faeces forces it’s way back into her body, and Libido, well how can I even put it? It features two men who are forced to masturbate over a woman and the one that ejaculates first goes through to the next round, the other is killed. This one person progresses through the rounds and he is forced to masturbate over things such as an amputee with an infected wound use her prosthetic leg to pleasure herself, a man having sex with a young boy and other things that I can’t even begin to list. It doesn’t hold back and you even see the ejaculate explode into the man’s hand on a few occasions.

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There were many occasions where I just wanted to stop watching, either because it was depraved or because it was just stupid and unfunny. Jidai-Geki is a key example of this as two men wearing obvious wigs (it doesn’t attempt to hide the fact that they’re wearing wigs) are on screen and one tries to distract the other from killing him by pulled faces.

In many ways this film reminds me a lot of the “V/H/S” franchise. Each segment is made by a different director but the difference is that it works with the aforementioned because they take what they’re doing seriously, or at least don’t try and make it a horror film for children, and in many ways that is what puzzles me the most. They claimed that this was a horror film but there’s not a single scary moment throughout the entirety of the film.

Several segments don’t even make the slightest bit of sense. “Gravity” is a fine example of this as the guy is just on his surfboard, all of a sudden he’s in the water and he’s dead. It’s shot from the first person perspective so you can’t see anything that he hit him and you’re left just guessing what has actually killed him and why he has just found himself underwater. It’s just baffling and pointless. Are you seriously telling me that the director couldn’t think of anything better for “G”, or even the word gravity? I’ll come up with a better idea now, a guy is walking a narrow path across a cliff face, something appears from out of a hole and pushes him and he falls to his death. There, sorted.

It’s hard to come up with a single positive word to say about this film, it really is.

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Summary

This lasts for two hours. Two hours. That is two lots of sixty minutes, one twelfth of your day. Whilst one or two segments are actually not too bad, the majority seem like they were directed by children. I really can’t put into words just how stupid and pointless the segment “Fart” is.

“The ABCs of Death” tried to achieve a similar level of success that “V/H/S” did but it fails miserably and I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to watch the sequel.

If you choose not to avoid this then consider yourself warned.

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