I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong

Year Released : 2014144666
Director : Travis Legge
Cast : Deann Baker, Terry Banks and Malcom (yes, that spelling) Banks

It’s Daylights Saving in the UK (I’m writing this on Sunday) and I was awoken from my extra hour in bed by a text from a friend that went….

“Hey Kate, I hope you’re ok? You’re going to love this, I have just seen one of the worst horror films ever. It’s soooooo bad. Wanna come around and review it?”

It was an invitation that I wasted no time accepting, and so as 7am on a Sunday morning I was at a friend’s house watching Bloom, an independent vampire movie. He had decided to pay money for it and advised me before he showed it to me that it was one of the biggest wastes of his time and cash that he’d ever had, and to come armed with a notepad.

So let’s see if it’s as bad as he suggests (I write this bit before I watch the film for those that don’t know).

Plot

Lily (Baker) wakes up following a one-night stand and is surrounded by blood. She can’t piece together the evening whilst she is making the “walk of shame” home and automatically comes to the conclusion that she must have been drugged and raped, although she can’t figure out where the blood has come from as there are no cuts or wounds anywhere on her body.

She tries to talk to her friends to try and remember what happened on the night but is unsuccessful. All of a sudden Lily struggles to eat and drink anything as everything that she puts in her mouth tastes rotten. She refuses to go to a doctor and figures that the only people that might know about who the person was and where he might be are at the club where she met him. She finds out his name, but by doing so she catches the attention of Glen (Banks) and Calvin (Bell).

The pair claim that they have information about the man and trick her into the car park. She is knocked unconscious and awakes later in the trunk of a car. Glen and Calvin threaten her and reveal that she is a vampire, and they blame her for the man’s disappearance. Now that she knows what is happening to her, can she stop it or will she succumb to the blood lust?

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Is it as bad as my friend made it out to be?

Yes, without any shadow of a doubt I can say that this is one of the worst films that I’ve watched in a long time and there are many reasons for this, including the poor acting, the tedious storyline and an exceptionally atrocious soundtrack and audio, which is where I am going to start.

The soundtrack can effectively be summed up by that it sounds like they’ve given a Casio keyboard (or any other brand of keyboard for that matter) to a five year old and asked them to come up with the tune of maybe ten notes and then repeat over and over again. The same piece of music can be heard numerous times throughout the film’s relatively short run time of just 70 minutes, and the worst part is that the terrible soundtrack is used at inappropriate moments.

This is just one of the many problems that the film has with it’s sound, and even worse is how they seem to have equipped the actors with those little microphones that people wear when doing TV interviews or panel shows, but on a few occasions some characters hug or cover up the microphone…..and then start talking, but because their microphones are covered up you can’t make out what’s being said. It’s just careless and surely someone must have noticed at some point.

Then again, not being able to hear when some of the characters are saying isn’t necessarily a bad thing as the script is tired, predictable and uninteresting, and this certainly isn’t helped by the lifeless delivery of lines from the cast, the worst of whom is Deann Baker. Baker’s character may technically be undead but that’s no reason to bring a lifeless and emotionally constipated portrayal of a character to the screen. Her face never changes expression, regardless of the emotion of the character in question at the time, and she makes Kristen Stewart look competent.

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The strange thing is that whilst she can’t act to save her life in terms of facial expressions or delivery of lines, the first time you see her she almost overacts. When she’s doing the walk of shame she puts on such a shockingly over-the-top emphasis onto this character, either that or the actress has never worn heels in her life, because it was almost like watching a toddler learning to walk.

I know that they will argue that she was suffering the ill effects of what had happened to her, or the drugs hadn’t worn off yet (if indeed to was drugged), but no, the actress quite clearly overacted given that one second she can’t walk and then the next she is doing what could effectively be described as an ultra feminine walk when actually near her house. By that I mean that she put on a walk that you would expect to see on a walk-way at a fashion show.

This film does not have a single redeeming feature other than it’s mercifully short run time, and quite frankly it is one of the worst films I think I’ve ever seen, and that’s saying something. If I was to rank all of the reviews on this site then there is a good chance that this would be near the bottom, if not bottom.

It is also interesting to see it’s IMDB score so high. I suspect this is yet another case of people involved in the film going on there and giving it a high score. This is definitely not a 4/10 and I would go as far as saying that if you took out the ratings from people who were involved in the film, it would be in the IMDB Bottom 100, it’s that bad.

 

Summary

My friend under-played just how bad Bloom really is and I am glad that I didn’t have to pay to watch it. I am curious what made me friend pay to watch it because I can’t find anything that would cause anyone to be convinced that this is worth paying for.

If you must watch it then find it online and watch it for free, because it’s not worth wasting your hard earned money on, it’s really that bad. Yes, it’s so bad that I am actively encouraging you all to illegally download it if you must insist on watching it.

Don’t be surprised if you feel like you’ve wasted your money if you do make the mistake of paying for this trash.

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Comments
  1. […] ultimately what encouraged me to watch it…..this is the same person that said I would hate Bloom, so I trust his […]

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  2. […] Original Review : Bland vampire movie that’s not worth wasting money on […]

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