Archive for February, 2016

Year Released : 2013Treading-Water
Director: Analeine Cal y Mayor
Cast : Douglas Smith, Zoe Kravitz, Ariadna Gil, Carrie-Anne Moss, Don McKellar and Brian Bridger

Whilst looking online for a film to watch, I saw numerous titles that didn’t leap out, that was until I saw “The Boy Who Smells Like Fish”. Now that’s a title that jumps off of the page, although it turns out that it was actually released in 2013 as “Treading Water”.

I quickly looked up the trailer and the IMDB rating and I was genuinely surprised to see that it only had 390 votes on that site. That is one of the lowest vote counts that I’ve seen for a film that I intend to review, and based on that I knew that there wasn’t a reason for skipping by this.

That being said, the rating of 6.2/10 out of ten doesn’t fill me with hope that this is a film that either excites, or bores to tears. Even the trailer makes it look fairly unremarkable, and that might explain why a lot of people seem to have generally avoided this film, or why many won’t have heard of it.

Plot

Newborn Mica (Young – Bridger, Teenager – Smith) is taken home for the first time by Sophie (Gil) and Richard (McKellar) , but everyone who comes in contact with him notices that he smells of fish. Growing up in a museum dedicated to singer Guillermo Garibai, the numerous visitors also notice the unusual smell, but Mica soon meets Laura (Teenager – Kravitz) and the two share a bond before he accidentally offends her at his birthday party.

Richard soon leaves the family, and Sophie is killed just seconds after going on holiday when she is flattened by a van. Trying to cope with his psychologist since childhood, Catherine (Moss), Mica struggles to see the point in doing anything, although he has developed a strong passion for swimming due to it hiding his smell. One day he is approached by Laura (although he doesn’t know it’s her) and they two start a relationship).

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Bang average and completely unremarkable.

I waited until the day after watching the film to write this specific section and I’m not going to lie, other than the notes I have written, “Treading Water” is completely unmemorable. It is, as I pondered in the opening section, a film that is completely average, being neither good nor bad, and this for me is a big problem.

Ultimately you don’t care about the characters in the slightest. Mica doesn’t seemingly have a personality trait that doesn’t revolve around his smell, and the character of Laura is just there, she offers nothing overly impactful to the story. It feels like a forced romance from the first meeting between the two as youngsters, and nothing about the 85 minute film feels natural. Even Smith and Kravitz seem unconvinced by their characters as neither put in a particularly interesting display.

Don’t get me wrong, “Treading Water” isn’t an awful film, but there is precisely nothing that makes me want to watch it again, and there isn’t really a single likeable character. Sophie is painfully one dimensional and I refuse to believe that any museum that is basically someone’s home that has been dedicated to a long retired singer would get as many visitors as the film suggests.

Away from the characters, the story itself is a case of missed potential and could have been done so more. Mica smelling of fish seems almost like a subplot in the film and other than a brief flash of the air freshener that he wears to hide to smell, he’s fish-like smell is barely mentioned in the second half of the film, and almost seems like it’s forgotten. It would have been slightly more interesting had she visually made reference to the smell at some point during the film, therefore having to get over it, but she never does. Whilst it’s a nice sentiment that she ignored his smell and got to no him, there’s no proof whatsoever that she was able to smell him in the first place.

 

Despite nothing thinking it an awful film by any stretch, I actually can’t think of a single positive to say about the film, it’s just kind of there. It’s 85 minutes of your life that you’re not going to get back if you watch it, and you won’t feel any overwhelming emotions either way. It’s as bland as bland can be.

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Summary

“Treading Water” is one of the most bang average films that I’ve ever seen. It’s 85 minutes of sitting there trying to figure out if there is actually anything worthwhile in the movie and ultimately you’re left with a film that you will struggle to remember afterwards.

It took me nearly four hours to write this considerably-shorter-than-normal review because I simply couldn’t think of anything to say, it’s that forgettable.

If you have 85 minutes spare then there are far better options to fill that time with.

You were right I was wrong, you were right… some people are better off dead

Year Released : 201354f91cd4436c8-devil-may-call-film-review-1
Director: Jason Cuadrado
Cast : Corri English, Tyler Mane, Traci Lords and Van Hansis.

For those of my regular readers that pay attention, you may have noticed that ever since I reviewed 31 horror films in as many days in October, I haven’t actually posted a review from that genre. That month took it out of me in terms of horror films, with very few being worthwhile and it’s something which I am definitely not going to repeat again this year. That being said I thought that it was one again time to enter this genre for a review.

I was originally going to review a film called “Population 436”, but the less than interesting opening ten or so minutes left me bored, so I instead switched to another film that I had recorded from the Horror Channel, “Devil May Call”. Now, just for the sake of it being interesting, I didn’t look up a single thing about the film either before hand, or whilst watching, so I went in completely oblivious to what I was about to watch. If you noticed I for once used past tense as I am doing what I rarely do and writing this section after I’ve actually watched the thing.

Plot

Sam (English) is a blind call-handler for a a suicide helpline and she goes in for her last shift before she leaves to be a teacher. She is asked if she is willing to have a new call-handler, Jess (Hansis), sit next to her for the entire shift. Before meeting her, Jess listens to a call that Sam had with a man called John (Mane), a man who admits to having dangerous thoughts, although Sam doesn’t know that he is also a serial killer.

After Val (Lords), one of Sam’s co-workers, lets John know that Sam is going to be leaving, he gets irate and slams the phone down. Sam feels guilty for the entire situation but she soon realises that John has actually come to the building and he starts killing off her co-workers.

John eventually finds her and quickly realises that she is blind.He quickly teases her by throwing pipes in front of her, but it isn’t long before he stops playing games and takes things a step further.

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A worthwhile film?

“Devil May Call” is an interesting premise on many levels, but it suffers from similar problems to a lot of other small-budget horror films and that is that whilst the concept is decent, the execution is pretty lifeless.

I’m actually going to start this breakdown by talking about the ending. Without giving too much away, the ending is a massive anti-climax. It feels like such a flat way to end a film and it was one that felt like a big let down. Up until this point I was actually relatively invested in the film and whilst never excited, I was certainly intrigued, but the ending completely ruined in and I really wish I could spoil it for you, but it wouldn’t feel fair.

If you do choose to watch “Devil May Call” then you will know exactly what I mean when I say that the ending is just out of the blue and doesn’t feel like the film has a final resolution. It’s really strange that with less than one minute to go, John and Sam are in an indepth conversation, then something happens and that’s it, that’s the end. I think my exact reaction was saying “Oh….ok then”.

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Away from the ending, as I mentioned above I did feel somewhat engaged by the film, even though it never goes above luke-warm. This is mainly due to the pacing of the 85 minute feature, it is pretty bad. It takes far too long for something to actually happen and when it does, you’re starting to lose a bit of interest.

For example, once Sam does become aware of John’s presence, there is over an hour or so of the film gone, it takes a long time to get into, and I personally feel that they could have had him arrive at least 20 minutes earlier and shown more of her trying to hide in the office and obviously her reactions of not knowing where John is. Don’t get me wrong, the scene in which John throws things in front of her scare her is actually quite clever, but there should have been more of it.

The concept is interesting enough and the character of Sam isn’t actually a bad protagonist as you have an empahty with her given the past that she reveals at one point, and you understand why she does this for a living, even if she is going to be leaving. Corri English does a fairly decent job of portraying a blind character as well, although the director could have possibly made the fact she can’t see a bit more integral to the scenes in which she knows John is around.

She is however the only character that is generally likeable. Jess is just there, there’s nothing really to him or the character and he is just bland, whereas Val is a character that you’ve seen in several thousand films before. There’s nothing particularly interesting or unique in any character other than Sam. None of them away from the main protagonist have anything resembling a second personality trait and it’s hard to get invested in them.

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Summary

“Devil May Call” is not an awful film, but I would be hard pushed to say that it’s anything more than ok, at best. It’s problem is that the concept isn’t matched by the execution and whilst there are worse ways to spend 85 minutes of your life, the ending makes you realise that it’s 85 minutes that you’re never going to get back.

With just 240 votes on IMDB at the moment, I get the feeling that the rating of 4.4/10 at the time of writing is ever so slightly too high.

If it’s on then feel free to watch it, but try not to be left with a feeling that the ending is exceptionally rushed and unresolve.

I used to believe in this sport and Armstrong is killing it!

Year Released : 2015the_program
Director: Stephen Frears
Cast : Ben Foster, Chris O’Dowd, Denis Menochet, Jesse Plemons, Lee Pace and Guillaume Canet

Working at a cinema is a great way of seeing all of the posters of films that are coming out soon more often than others. Before I transferred away from the Lincoln Odeon, they had a poster for “The Program” and whilst the subject matter of Lance Armstrong has never really been something that interested me, the very fact that it had Ben Foster as the star was enough for me to get excited.

“The Program” wasn’t released at the majority of UK cinemas, but when shopping in my local Asda earlier for some waffles (I bet you never thought you’d read something like that on a film review site), I saw it on Blu Ray and with hesitation I picked it up and paid my £15.

Again, as above, I don’t know a lot about the Lance Armstrong scandal, other than his infamous interview on Oprah Winfrey, and I genuinely couldn’t give the slightest crap about the sport of cycling, but there is just something very intriguing about this film, especially as it looks very similar to another sports movie, “Rush”, which I rated as one of my top 20 films of all time a few months ago.

Plot

In the early 1990s, journalist David Walsh (O’Dowd) is playing a game of table football with rookie Tour-De-France entrant, Lance Armstrong (Foster). Armstrong states that he would be happy simply to win just one of the stages. Despite his humble ambition, Lance is quickly antagonised by the experienced Johan Bruyneei (Menochet) about his chances. This starts a fire in Armstrong to win at all costs.

Armstrong learns of a performance enhancing drugs program that is run by Michele Ferrari (Canet), but before Armstrong can properly join the program, he is diagnosed with testicular cancer and spends time in the hospital recovering. He eventually recovers and the chemotherapy means that his body has become more streamlined, and as well as the drugs from Ferrari’s program, Armstrong hires Bruyneei as his coach.

In 1999 Armstrong comes out of nowhere to destroy the field and win the Tour-De-France, but this arises the suspicion of Walsh, who states that Armstrong was having to brake in order to slow down whilst going up hill. Walsh spends several years trying to gather evidence to bring Armstrong down, all whilst Armstrong wins seven Tour-De-Frances in a row, but when former teammate Floyd Landis (Plemons) tests positive for drugs, it’s only a matter of time before Armstrong’s luck runs out.

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So, is it any good?

Whilst not as good as “Rush”, “The Program” is one of the best sports biopics I’ve seen in my life. For the first time since I started running this site, I didn’t once look to see how long was left in the run time whilst viewing a new film. Not once was I bored. Not once did I want to it be over. Not once did I think “The Program” was anything other than engaging and intelligent.

Even though you more than likely know the eventual outcome before you watch this film, you’re drawn in by the situation and even if you don’t know the history behind it. The scene in which Marsh is questioning how Armstrong can’t be on drugs when he is having to brake going uphill brings it all together, and that’s only about half way through the movie.

You begin to get engrossed in the situation as you just wait for that moment when you know the Armstrong is left with no choice to admit his cheating, but that’s the best part, you don’t once feel against him. You feel emotionally attached to the character because you know what he went through and he ultimately wants to win for not only the glory of winning, but also to help fight cancer. There is one scene in particular where Armstrong is visiting a group of kids with cancer and despite being pushed for time, he sits down with a bed-ridden teen for a chat, and even though the teen doesn’t say anything, Armstrong stays for support. At no point was I actually angry at Armstrong for what he was doing because despite cheating, he was generally a good guy.

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The development of the character is interesting throughout as you see Armstrong turn from someone with such humble ambitions, to someone who is just obsessed by winning, and anything less is a failure….not that you see him fail to win that much. This, combined with the aforementioned interactions with the cancer patients, helps you become attached to Armstrong as a character because he shows a level of depth,

This feeling of attachment to Armstrong is down in no small part to the excellent performance of Ben Foster. Foster nails it from start to finish and it’s yet another chameleonic performance from someone who I described as one of the most underrated actors in Hollywood. I keep running out of compliments for Foster because he is that good. He leaves and breathes his characters and Armstrong is no exception, and in the make-up he does have a very striking resemblance to Armstrong, it’s quite interesting.

However, he is not the only one who excels in “The Program” with Lee Pace being his ever reliable self, Jesse Plemons continuing to stake his claim as one of Hollywood’s most promising young actors, and Denis Menochet giving arguably his best performance since his minor role in “Inglorious Basterds”.

I can’t really think of any complaints at all about “The Program” other than the first few minutes feeling very disjointed in places, but other than that there isn’t anything about this story about ambition and the desire to win.

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Summary

One of the easiest approved stamps that I’ve had to give for some time, “The Program” is everything that a sports movie should be.approved

The acting is fantastic throughout from all concerned, especially the ever reliable Foster. Foster heads up a cast that superbly captures their characters, and yet there isn’t really a dislikeable one throughout, having said that, very few of the characters are actually typically protagonistic characters, which is very odd for a film.

The look of “The Program” is great, the soundtrack is fantastic and all around this is a very good, exceptionally made film.

Never bet on a racehorse named after a disabled president!

Year Released : 2015mississipigrindposter
Director: Anna Boden and Ryan Fleck
Cast : Ryan Reynolds, Ben Mendelsohn, Sienna Miller and Analeigh Tipton

A few weeks ago I bought the Blu-Ray for “No Escape”, which some of you will hopefully remember as topping the Top 10 list of films I watched at the cinema in 2015, and one of the trailers before the feature begins was for “Mississippi Grind” (I’m going to shorten to MG from now on). It stars one of my favourite underrated actors, Ben Mendelsohn, and Ryan Reynolds, a hit and miss actor for me. However, I quickly forgot about it.

Anyway, on Thursday evening I went to watch “Deadpool” at the cinema (which, just to get this in early, the only way it will reach my Top 10 of 2016 would be if I didn’t see a single other film for the rest of the year (I’m currently on 12)) and I remembered about this little known film, so I thought to myself that after five days in a row with the hits being lower than the day before, it was time to review this film.

So here I am, writing this little bit before I review MG in the hope that it is as good as the trailer made it look, and make it 2 approval stamps in a row (following on from 4th Man Out). I am somewhat optimistic, but watching some terrible films recently has made me a bit wary.

Plot

Gerry (Mendelsohn) is a debt-ridden gambling addict and he takes his latest attempt at winning big to a local game of Texas Hold ‘Em. His luck is down until Curtis (Reynolds) joins the table, and all of a sudden Gerry starts winning each and every time. The two befriend each other and Gerry soon starts noticing that all of his bets placed in the presence of Curtis come off.

Chased by loan-sharks, Gerry convinces Curtis to go to New Orleans with him and take on numerous gambling establishments along the way, with the aim of being able to buy his way into a $25,000 poker game at the end. The first stop is in St Louis, where they meet one of Curtis’ love interests, prostitute Simone (Miller). After winning big on a riverboat casino, the two celebrate, but Gerry gets carried away and loses all of the winnings on a hand which he appeared to be guaranteed to win, he neglects to tell Curtis until the two struggle to check into a hotel.

Curtis starts to grow frustrated by Gerry’s insistence on continuing, and it soon becomes obvious just how far the latter is willing to take it when he attempts to steal from his ex-wife, unbeknownst to Curtis. The relationship becomes so strained that it’s only a matter of time before another act of distrust forces the two apart.

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Worth getting excited about?

MG isn’t a bad film by any stretch of the imagination, it’s very competent and the acting from both Mendelsohn (of course) and Reynolds is superb, but the film just lacks something that makes it a film that should have ended long before it’s near 110 minute run time.

As usual, I’ll start with the positives and as I briefly mentioned above, Mendelsohn is again fantastic. I’ve yet to see a film with him in where I wasn’t in awe of his abilities, and he is by no means a one-trick pony as he has played a different type of character in each of those. Whilst the character of Gerry isn’t that different from most other gambling addicts shown in film, Mendelsohn’s excessively competent performance really makes you care the for character, even when he is doing deplorable things. He brings an element of pity to the character as even when he is doing things such as stealing from his ex-wife, you feel sorry for him.

Having watched this film immediately after getting in from watching “Deadpool”, I immediately groaned when Ryan Reynolds’ Curtis sat down and just wouldn’t shut up. I have nothing against Ryan Reynolds, but unlike Mendelsohn, most of his roles are exactly the same, i/e the chatty, likeable, anti-hero type. Whilst he does those sorts of roles very well (as he in knows how to perform them very well, not that they’re good or enjoyable characters), it does become tiresome and when he first sits down and just keeps talking and talking, my hopes dropped…..but then as the movie progressed and Curtis got considerably less talkative, Reynolds definitely grew into the role.

Towards the end of the film the look of the character has changed and Ryan Reynolds has a great “I’ve had enough of your shit” face, and whilst you do sympathise with Gerry for his illness, you also feel great empathy for Curtis because of how he is treated, lied to and loses all faith in Gerry through the film. Towards the end of the film, Curtis is a beaten down man, probably even more so than Gerry at this point, and Reynolds nailed it.

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The acting throughout MG is excellent and the characters are very well written, you care about them and their respective issues, but for me the best part of the film is the small touches here and there that aren’t often present in films. One such example comes early on when Gerry is testing Curtis’ luck in a coin toss, he is clearly drunk at this point and when going to catch the coin, he actually misses it, something that would realistically happen in the situation. Most other films would just have the character catching it perfectly each time, which isn’t very realistic. Also, at one point Gerry starts playing a piano and despite playing it reasonably well, there are several missed or incorrect notes during the song, showing that the character doesn’t have any redeeming perfections.

One of the more interesting choices that the film also brings in is that during the poker games you don’t see the cards that anyone has until the reveal at the end of the hand. This is an interesting approach as in other similar films I’ve seen, you know what the cards are and you can see the character digging themselves into a hole, but in this you don’t, you have no idea. I prefer this as it adds a sense of tension to the film.

Despite all of the great acting and interesting little touches here and there, MG just isn’t interesting enough to hold your interest for just shy of 110 minutes. There are long spells where not a lot is happening and just there for filler. For example, there is a scene in which Gerry notices that Curtis’ little toe on his right foot is missing, and Curtis tells him the story of how his granddad cut it off after he’d caused his sister to lose three toes. It’s a story that just doesn’t add anything of any real note to the film. It’s just filler and nothing more.

This causes the film to drag and I needed to stop to do something at one point, hit pause and saw that only 49 minutes had gone by and I wasn’t even half way through, and I sighed. At that point I didn’t feel motivated to commit myself to another hour of my time to the film. Don’t get me wrong, it is a competent film, but I’d already started to grow a little bored by that point and I wasn’t even half way through.

If you’re going to invest 110 minutes of your time in MG, which I’m not saying you shouldn’t, then be prepared for long spells of mundanity.

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Summary

Competently acted and superbly written characters unfortunately don’t compensate for a film that feels almost like a stuttering car at times. 110 minutes is about 20 minutes to long for a film like this and numerous scenes feel unnecessary.

Mendelsohn and Reynolds are excellent and the little touches here and there do make the film somewhat unique, but it takes more than those two things to make a film stand out for me, it’s got to do something majorly different.

I’m not saying don’t watch it, but prepare yourself for not feeling overly exciting.

Stop forcing Dorothy Cuda on me!

Year Released : 2015poster-large
Director: Andrew Nackman
Cast : Parker Young, Evan Todd, Chord Overstreet, Jon Gabrus, Jennifer Damiano, Jordan Lane Price and Doug Moe

After the disaster-piece that was “Aimy in a Cage”, I was actually contemplating stopping reviewing films, that’s how bad it was. I even started writing an article a few days later in which I actually rank the films that I’ve reviewed on this site and put the worst ten into a list, and “Aimy in a Cage” comfortably won (if that’s the right word) the dubious honour of being the worst film that I have review on this site, and more importantly, is still one of the worst films that I have ever seen. That list will never be published but yeah, it also made me quit reviewing films.

I left it a few days whilst desparately searching for a relatively newish film that looked like it would actually fall into the “approved” category, and I think I may have found it with “4th Man Out”, a story following the immediate aftermath of a guy coming out of his friends as gay.

Whilst I’m not gay, I am transgender (as I have mentioned in a few previous reviews) and I think the reactions are pretty similar in both situations, albeit with their odd differences here and there, and so I was curious to see if this would actually be fairly realistic and seemingly true to life, and I am optimistic following the trailer that it will be……then again, I’ve been tricked by trailers before!

I also don’t review comedies that often on this site either, so this will make a nice change (hopefully).

Plot

Adam (Todd) goes out to celebrate his 24th birthday with his friends. He becomes increasingly uncomfortable as Chris (Young), Nick (Overstreet) and Ortu (Gabrus) make gay jokes and the following morning he finally plucks up the courage to tell the group that he is infact homosexual. Despite the trio promising that nothing will change, Adam notices that they are less comfortable around him, but they are generally supportive.

After finally feeling the pressure lifted, Adam starts to date a few guys, although none of the dates go well, especially with Brad (Moe), who effectively starts stalking him. Date after date fails, and Adam’s homosexuality is often referenced by a girl (Damiano) that Chris is trying to date but can’t remember the name of, saving her name on his phone as “train” following a drunken night out.

As Chris continues to struggle to get the girl to like him, she points out that Adam is obviously attracted to him, and this makes Chris a little wary, especially when Adam innocently misreads him leaning over to grab the remote control as an attempt at kissing, and tries to respond in kind.

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Have I been tricked by a trailer again?

Nope, this film is pretty much as the trailer described and that is wonderfully refreshing, especially in an independent film in which it would be so easy to lie about so many aspects of the plot and characters.

I’m going to start with with what is my only real complaint in this movie and that is that I can’t recall a single conversation that Adam shares with pretty much anyone that doesn’t somehow revolve around his homosexuality. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that it’s the main plot of the film, but there just doesn’t seem to be that much depth to his character and it’s the only thing that he’s concerned about.

As mentioned above, I am transgender and obviously had to come out to people at some point, yet I was able to hold conversations about other things and I find it highly unlikely that anyone who comes out will talk about nothing else other than their sexuality.

Other than that though, the dialogue throughout is pretty true to life. A lot of the quotes from characters do sum up stereotypical thoughts that a lot of people have about homosexual men, such as one character commenting that Adam can’t be gay because he fixes car engines for a living. This smartly references that a lot of people stereotype homosexual men as overly effeminate men and doing what is arguably a masculine task isn’t what gay men do.

There is also an interesting discussion in which the characters joke around who is homosexual and one of them says something along the lines of “I’m can’t be gay, I have a fantasy football team and I like Die Hard.” It’s such clever dialogue because it tells you all that you need to know about the character in question. The characters do try and support Adam, but it’s evidenced that they somewhat uncomfortable about it as well.

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As a comedy it works well and there are numerous bits that did make me laugh, even if they weren’t designed to be laugh-out-loud lines, such a woman saying that she was late because she was watching Ghostbusters and got distracted, or one of the characters following up

The soundtrack works very well in “4th Man Out” and is definitely one of the better soundtracks from the films that I’ve reviewed. Each sets off the mood of the scene very well and much like fellow LGBT film “Zerophilia”, it works very well as it’s a small-scale town that they seem to be in, and the music is much more humble than in larger-scale movies.

This also follows into the acting. All act out their characters very well and it was a relief to see that Gabrus (who resembles a discount Jack Black) wasn’t used as comic relief for his weight. Granted, there is one scene in which he covers up his body with a bath-robe, but even then the weight isn’t really address at any time and this made a nice change. Usually the overweight friend is made fun of because of his weight all of the way through a film, but I can’t recall a single time that happened in “4th Man Out”.

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Summary

It’s such a relief to be able to give an approval stamp after watching the disaster piece that was “Aimy in a Cage”. This in many ways was the perfect film to follow this one up with as it was exactly what it needed to be to be enjoyable.approved

Don’t get me wrong, “4th Man Out” is far from a perfect movie, and I would argue that the rating of just 6/10 on IMDB is about right (maybe slightly too low) but it works and that’s why I’m giving it the stamp.  It was an enjoyable way to spend 85 or so minutes of my life and I was never bored.

The dialogue is the key foundations of this film and it’s all pretty realistic, if you ignore that Adam doesn’t seem to have a single conversation that doesn’t somehow revolve around his sexuality.

She’s a cancer in my life!

Year Released : 2016aimy1
Director: Hooroo Jackson
Cast : Allisyn Ashley Arm, Crispin Glover, Terry Moore and Paz de la Huerta

So I’ve now fully moved into Leeds and in the first few weeks I met a rather unusual girl that is obsessed with Alice in Wonderland. She loves the chaos that ensues and the array of unusual characters, and after two or three times of hanging out with her, she invited me around to watch a new film that she said reminded her a lot (from the trailer at least) of her favourite film.

So before heading round to her’s I caught the trailer of “Aimy in a Cage” and my first thought was that this seems like a film that is desperately crying for attention, and I mean that in the sense of that it’s almost trying to be random and off the wall for the sake of it, rather than actually having some substance behind it, but to be fair, after my two favourite films of 2014 and 2015 were both films that I didn’t expect to like, I decided to give it a shot.

So I’m about to head out of the door (for those that haven’t read this site before, I write this opening segment before actually watching the film) with a sense of dread at what I’m about to watch. You never know though, I could be completely surprised and end up loving it.

Plot

Aimy (Arm) is a girl with some sort of hyperactivity disorder and this has caused a strained relationship with her entire family. They send her to have a surgery, almost like a lobotomy that will make her more civilised. Although the operation is a success, Amy’s behaviour only slightly improves, much to the disappointment of her family

Meanwhile, a virus is……

You know what, for the first time ever on this site, I’m not even going to finish the plot. Just don’t waste your time watching what I could quite easily class as one of the biggest pieces of crap that I have ever seen in my life.

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Is it really that bad?

I’m going to put it this way, even after just five minutes it was taking every single ounce of my being not to get up and walk out. After ten minutes I was twitching, after twenty I was questioning my friendship with this girl. Putting it bluntly, “Aimy in a Cage” is one of the worst films that I have ever seen. To expand on it slightly, I am angry at myself for watching this!

Infact, I only made it to the 35 minute mark of the 75 minute run time before I had to stop. It takes a lot for me to actually not finish, or even attempt to finish, a film that I am watching, regardless of how bad it is, and yet this achieved it. With it almost reaching it’s half way point, I just couldn’t take anymore of this. I don’t often swear on this site, I like to think that I’m normally quite refrained, but this film has actually pissed me off and I would go as far as describing this as a clusterfuck of nonsense.

I could chuck a load of random words into a fish bowl, draw them out like the FA Cup, and I would still come up with a sentence that made more sense that this film.

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This is the sort of film that you would show to someone you didn’t like and they were contemplating suicide. It’s almost wrist-cuttingly diabolic. There is a speech from the film “Billy Madison” (also awful might I add) that goes…

“What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it.”

That, in a nutshell, is this film.

I don’t even know where to begin putting together a review that might actually help you decide whether you want to watch this or not because it is so bad that I can’t even begin to think of anything positive about it. It’s visually and acoustically hideous, and the dialogue feels so forced and unnatural that the film loses any mild credibility that it has. It is trying to be random for the sake of being random, there is nothing even remotely resembling something beliveable in this film, other than the fact that grandmother has enough of Aimy’s shit.

What little semblance of a plot that is hidden like a needle in a haystack in this complete and utter waste of 75 minutes of your life, and every remote sense of mild curiousity you have is lost in the desperate attempt for them to pay homage to films such as “Alice in Wonderland” and yet it lacks any of the charm or intelligence that both the original tale, or indeed the film version (the original, not the terrible Tim Burton film) came with.

The quote I have put at the very top of this review, “She’s a cancer in my life,” is exactly how I feel about “Aimy in a Cage”, it’s a cancer. It will make everyone who watches it regret many decisions in their life and more importantly, it will make you question what ever drove you to watch a film that is so bad that it could make someone angry enough to start a World War!

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Summary

If I was to rank all of the films that I have watched for this site, there is a good chance that out of the near 200 long list, this would be bottom. It is that bad.

I really can’t express just how bad this film really is, and everyone associated to this monstrosity should be ashamed of themselves for it.

If you even waste your time with this after reading all of the above, you might as well never come back!