Other Reviews

0-9

10,000 Days – Post apocalyptic snorefest.

13 Eerie – Poor horror movie starring Katherine Isabelle (Ginger Snaps and Freddy vs Jason) as a group of students go to a seemingly abandoned area to film their next project.

7500 – Plane based supernatural boreathon. Filled with character stereotypes and a predictable plotline that makes this an overwhelmingly tedious experience.

9/11 – Charlie Sheen (Hot Shots, Major League and Young Guns) and Whoopie Goldberg (Star Trek Generations and Sister Act) feature in a film about a group of people trapped in one of the lifts at the World Trade Centre.

A

A Girl Like Her – Anti-bullying film that is well intended but is ultimately a bit bland.

A Night at the Roxbury – Chris Kattan (House on Haunted Hill) and Will Farrell (Daddy’s Home, Zoolander and Blades of Glory) bring their Saturday Night Live skit about socially awkward brothers to the big screen.

Accidental Love – The only thing accidental about this comedy is that you will watch it. Cast includes Jake Gyllenhaal (Nightcrawler and Life) and Jessica Biel (Blade : Trinity).

Aftershock – Chilean film about a group of friends trying to survive in the aftermath of a violent earthquake. Features Eli Roth (Cabin in the Woods and Inglorious Basterds) and Lorenza Izzo (The House With a Clock In Its Walls and Green Inferno).

Aimy in a Cage – Atrociously bad film that I have since decided is the worst film that I have ever watched.

Ain’t Them Bodies Saints – David Lowery’s story about a convict trying to get back to his wife. Starring Casey Affleck (A Ghost Story, Manchester by the Sea and Interstellar), Rooney Mara (A Ghost Story, Pan and Carol) and Ben Foster (30 Days of Night and Hell or High Water).

Airborne – Forgettable mystery horror set on a plane. It was so forgettable in fact that when I read the synopsis, I had forgotten that I had already watched it several years ago.

Alienate – It got 2.7/10 on IMDB, it’s not QUITE that bad.

Alien Outpost – A documentary crew follows a group of soldiers fighting aliens. Effectively a propaganda film to convince kids to join the US army.

All Superheroes Must Die – Four superheroes awake to find themselves forced to go through tests to save the lives of civilians.

Always Watching – Horror film based on the Slenderman legend.

American Honey – Shia Lebeouf (Transformers and Disturbia) stars in a near-three hour film about a group of travelling salesmen. It has a beginning, but no middle or end.

Approaching the Unknown – Science fiction film featuring Mark Strong (Stardust, Kick Ass and Kingsman) going to the moon.

Archivo 253 – Mexican horror found footage film about four friends exploring an abandoned mental hospital.

Antiviral – Disturbing body horror film about a society that willingly inject themselves with a disease that a celebrity has contracted. Stars Caleb Landry-Jones (Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, Get Out and X-Men : First Class)

Area 51 – Found footage film about three guys trying to break into Area 51.

B

Bachelor Games – Things go quickly wrong when on a stag weekend in Mexico.

Backtrack – Adrian Brody (King Kong and Predators) in an uninspired horror that also features Sam Neill (Jurassic Park and Event Horizon).

Bad Building – Imagine a horror film so dull and bland that you almost fall asleep watching it….at 3pm.

Bastard – Five strangers go on a hike with a woman who turns out to be a serial killer.

Before We Go – Chris Evans (Captain America and Push) tries to spend a night in New York without getting bored by Alice Eve’s (Star Trek Into Darkness) “acting”

Blame – Two schoolgirls fight for the attention of a teacher.

Bloom – Diabolically bad and bland vampire film.

Bolgen – Norwegian drama about a tsunami created by a collapsing mountain.

Brain on Fire – Chloe Grace Moretz (Kick Ass, The Miseducation of Cameron Post and 5th Wave) in yet another tedious film, this time about a journalist who develops a mental handicap.

Buddymoon – A German man consoles his best friend after the collapse of his wedding by taking him on his honeymoon anyway.

Bunker (also known as The Hoarder) – Horror about a woman who tries to prove that her boyfriend is cheating on her but finds more than she bargained for in the storage unit.

Burying the Ex – Anton Yelchin (Various Star Trek films and Rudderless) comedy-horror about a man who’s girlfriend demands that they stay together, even after she dies.

Bushwick – Disjointed action film with Dave Bautista (Guardians of the Galaxy and Blade Runner 2049) trying to escape a military coup.

C

Camino – A woman takes a picture of a war criminal beating up a child and is surprised that he doesn’t like the idea.

Celtic Pride – Daniel Stern (Home Alone) and Dan Ackroyd (Ghostbusters) star as fans of the Boston Celtics who kidnap the best player of the Utah Jazz, played by Damon Wayans (Blankman and The Great White Hype)

Christmas Horror Story – Yuletide film about the demon Krampus haunting several groups of people.

Classroom 6 – A blatant rip off of films such as Grave Encounters and pretty much every other film.

Clown – Lacklustre horror film about a man who puts on a clown suit that slowly turns him into a demon.

Containment – British film about people who wake up to find themselves sealed into their apartment building.

Contracted – A girl starts becoming a zombie after she has sex with a man who himself has sex with a radioactive corpse.

Contracted : Phase 2 – One of the friends of the girl from the first film starts turning into a zombie and fights to find a cure.

Cooties – Mostly enjoyable zombie romp set in a school staring Elijah Wood (Lord of the Rings and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) and Rainn Wilson (TV’s The Office and The Meg)

Creep – A man invites a videographer in his home to record the final few months of his life, but everything isn’t as it seems.

Cube 2 : Hypercube – Less than impressive and largely unrelated sequel

Cube Zero – More people enter the booby-trapped maze, including one of the people running it as he believes one of the new participants shouldn’t be in there.

D

Dark Feed – Poor excuse for a horror film as filmmakers are killed one by one in a haunted hospital.

Day of the Dead : Bloodline – Poor remake of George A Romero’s “Day of the Dead”, with poor acting and horrible special effects.

Dead Like Me : Life After Death – Average movie based on the TV show of the same name.

Dead Rising : Watchtower – A surprisingly enjoyable zombie film that is based on the less-than-enjoyable game franchise.

Dementia – A war veteran is taken car of by a nurse with devious motives.

Detention – Josh Hutcherson (Disaster Artist and The Hunger Games) in a tale about schoolkids fighting a serial killer.

Devil May Call –  – A blind helpline advisor gets tracked down by Tyler Mane (Halloween and Troy) after he accuses her of not caring.

Devil’s Playground – Zombie film based in London. It’s ok.

Dismembering Christmas – One of the worst acted horror (and I use that term lightly) films I’ve ever seen about teens gradually getting killed off at a winter cabin.

Dismissed – A teacher develops a promising friendship with one of his students, that is until he doesn’t give the student the grade he was expecting.

Do I Sound Gay? – Documentary about a guy who blames a recent break up on his feminine sounding voice.

Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde – A gender-swap take on the classic case. Contains several transformations and several plot holes.

E

Ejecta – Alien abduction, sci-fi torture porn film.

El Bar – Spanish movie about people trapped in a bar. Starts off well but drags badly.

Emelie – “Horror” about a babysitter that tries to steal one of the children she’s looking after.

Escape Room : A few friends enter an escape room and unknowingly unleash a demon.

Ewoks : Battle for Endor – 1980s spin off of the Star Wars universe.

Frank – Unfunny and pretentious musical comedy about an aspiring and eclectic band, starring Michael Fassbender (300, Shame and the X Men franchise), Dohmnall Gleeson (The Star Wars franchise and American Made) and Maggie Gyllenhaal (The Dark Knight and Secretary).

Felt – Nonsensical crap about a woman who tries to recover from rape by being a bit weird.

Force Majeure – A family is rocked when the husband runs off rather than protecting his family during an avalanche.

Frankenstein’s Army – World War II film about Russians trying to escape a lab full of dead soldiers fused together.

Frozen – No, not the Disney film. Three friends get trapped on a ski lift when the mountain is closed for the weekend.

G

Ginger Snaps : Unleashed – Disappointing sequel that’s set in a mental health hospital.

Ginger Snaps Back – Werewolf prequel set in 19th century Canada.

Glass Chin – Corey Stoll (Ant-Man, Push and Non-Stop) in his final pre-Ant Man film as he plays a retired boxer that gets blackmailed by Billy Crudup (Rudderless, Alien : Covenant and Watchmen)

Goal of the Dead – Zombies and football, what’s not to like? Quite a bit as it turns out.

H

Halloween Pussy Trap, Kill! Kill! – Exceptionally bad torture-porn style movie, almost like a low budget version of the “Saw” franchise.

Hector and the Search for Happiness – A genuine attempt to invoke wanderlust that ultimately fails because the story just isn’t that well put together.

Hellions – It’s Halloween and some kids start terrorising the neighbourhood.

Higher Learning – Mid-90s drama about racism in a high school.

Hollows Grove – A camera crew go into a seemingly abandoned orphanage and are killed off one by one by the ghosts of children.

Hot Bot – Two boys find a sex robot. Think “Weird Science”

I

I Kill Giants – A visually stunning film that would definitely have gotten the approved stamp had it not been for one of the worst lead characters I’ve seen in a movie.

Infinitely Polar Bear – Heart warming and life affirming story staring Zoe Saldana (Guardians of the Galaxy and the Star Trek franchise) and Mark Ruffalo (The Avengers and Collateral) about a family struggling to deal with the father’s manic depression. Unfortunately ruined by the kids involved.

It Was You Charlie – Pointless paranoid “thriller” with one of the least exciting main characters in memory.

J

Jackals – Horror movie about a family who steal their son back from a cult, only to then have them surround the house.

Jurassic City – Dinosaurs escape into a prison and eat anything in their path.

K

Kill Your Friends – Nicholas Hoult (The X-Men franchise and Clash of the Titans) stars in a film that feels more like a love-letter from the director to direct a remake of “American Psycho”

Krystal – A movie about a young man (Nick Robinson – Love, Simon and Jurassic World) with a heart condition falls in love with a woman more than double his age (Rosario Dawson – Josie and the Pussycats and Unstoppable).

L

Laggies – Kiera Knightley (Pirates of the Caribbean and Seeking A Friend for the End of the World), Sam Rockwell (Iron Man 2, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri and Moon) and Chloe Grace Moretz (Kick Ass and The Miseducation of Cameron Post) in a comedy about a woman who can’t find maturity.

Land of Smiles – Awful “horror” about a girl who goes to Thailand and her friend goes missing.

Landmine Goes Click – A man finds out his girlfriend is cheating on him with his best friend, so he makes the latter stand on a landline, as you do.

Laurence Anyways – A man reveals to his girlfriend that he is planning on changing gender.

Lavalantula – SyFy channel romp about a lava-spewing giant spiders in Los Angeles

Let There Be Zombies – Hilariously bad zombie film set in the 1950s. Watchable simply because of how bad it is.

Let’s Kill Ward’s Wife – Awful comedy about friends who want to kill one of their wives.

Left Behind – Nicolas Cage (Con Air, Raising Arizona and Kick Ass) stars, if that’s the right word, in rapture based drama.

Little Accidents – Elizabeth Banks (Slither, Hunger Games and Zack and Miri Make a Porno) features in a very slow film about a town’s reaction to the death of several miners

Little Sister – A young nun returns home following her brother’s return from hospital.

Love is Strange – A love story starring John Lithgow (Daddy’s Home, Harry and the Hendersons and TV’s Third Rock From The Sun) that starts off well but very quickly loses momentum

M

Mac and Me – Awful 1980s film about a young boy befriending an alien.

Maggie – Painfully bland film about a girl who is slowly turning into a zombie.

Man on High Heels – South Korean film about a cop that decides to retire so he can complete a sex change, but he can’t quite escape his old life before doing so.

Mascots – Christoper Guest returns with another mockumentary. It wasn’t good.

Maniac – Elijah Wood (Lord of the Rings, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and I Don’t Want to Live in this World Anymore) remake of the classic horror film

Mississippi Grind – A story about gambling addicting that stars Ryan Reynolds (Deadpool, Van Wilder and Adventureland)  and Ben Mendelsohn (Ready Player One and Rogue One)

Mommy – Xavier Dolan’s lengthy look at a mother’s attempts to control her hyperactive son.

Mysterious Skin –  Joseph Gordon-Levitt (The Dark Knight Rises, Looper and 50/50) in a story about sexual exploration and exploitation

N

National Lampoon’s Senior Trip – First film in the career of Jeremy Renner (Hurt Locker and the Marvel franchise) as he and his fellow students take a trip to Washington to meet the President.

Night of the Living Dead : Resurrection – Worst. Zombie. Film. Ever.

Nightlight – Found footage style film of students getting killed in the woods by an unseen force.

Nocture Six – Boring found footage film about people going into alternate dimensions.

Nuns on the Run – 90s comedy starring Robbie Coltrane (The Harry Potter franchise) and Eric Idle (The Monty Python franchise) about robbers that double cross their boss and hide in a nunnery.

O

Offline – A German film that tries very hard to be a low budget “Scott Pilgrim vs the World” that is loses all semblance of originality.

Old 37 – Horror film about psychos who torture victims of car crashes. This has great antagonists but is otherwise dull.

One Night of Fear – Horribly bad horror film that is very poorly made. People are trapped in a house by a serial killer.

P

Pandemic – First person zombie-style flick that offers little other than that gimmick.

Powder Room – British “comedy” about what happens on in the girl’s toilet in a nightclub.

Preservation  – A family get together in the woods turns into a nightmare as teens start hunting them.

Pressure – Four men are trapped several hundred metres under water and have to deal with the dwindling oxygen supply.

Q

R

[REC] Genesis – Largely unrelated sequel to the first two films and not as enjoyable.

[REC] 4 : Apocalipsis – The fourth and final instalment in the [REC] franchise is far superior to the third film, but doesn’t come close to being as good as the first two

Ragnarok – Norwegian film about archaeologists who find themselves trapped on an island by a beast.

Raze – Imagine if Mortal Kombat was made up entirely of women and yet you didn’t care about any of them……

Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre – A boat full of tourists get stranded on a boat with a bunch of killers.

Resident Evil : Vendetta – Animated sequel that focuses on several characters from the games trying to prevent a viral outbreak.

Rezort – Imagine Jurassic Park, but with zombies.

Richard the Lionheart : Rebellion – Tediously dull film about the sons of Richard The Lionheart.

Roadside – Horror movie about a couple that are stranded in their car by a sniper outside.

Rookie of the Year – Very cheesy baseball film in which a kid gains the ability to pitch at well over 100mph.

S

Set Fire to the Stars – Offbeat drama about the visit of poet Dylan Thomas to America during the 50s.

Slow West – Michael Fassbender (Shame, the X-Men franchise and 300) and Ben Mendelsohn (The Dark Knight Rises and Ready Player One) in a western about a boy trying to find his girlfriend.

Small Town Crime – John Hawkes (Everest) is a former cop out for redemption, taking on a crime that may land him in hot water.

SMOSH : The Movie – The stars of a Youtube channel create their own movie in which they travel into other Youtube videos.

Solo – Remarkably forgettable horror film about a girl who goes camping next to a stalker.

Space Babes from Outer Space – Erotic comedy about three female aliens trying to find an energy source for their ships.

Star Trek : Horizon – Fan made film based on the TV show that isn’t actually that bad.

Star Trek : Renegades – Made for TV movie set ten years after the TV-series “Star Trek Voyager”

Starship Troopers : Marauder – Third film in the Starship Troopers trilogy, focusing more on religion than entertainment.

Stung – Horror about killer wasps.

Summer of 92 – Danish movie about the 1992 European Championships in which Denmark shocked the world.

T

Tamara – A girl is killed by other kids from her school, but she walks into class the next day, that can’t be good.

Teacher of the Year – Extremely unfunny comedy about a teacher who must make a career changing decision.

The ABCs of Death – 26 different directors produce a short story each for a letter of the alphabet and a theme of death for that letter. Some of it is ok but it is mainly infantile nonsense.

The ABCs of Death 2 – A rare sequel that is considerably better than the first film, even though it’s not that great itself.

The Angriest Man in Brooklyn – Robin Williams’ (Hook, Good Morning Vietnam and Mrs Doubtfire) last released film before his death. It wasn’t good.

The Bay – Found footage film about a parasite that replaces your tongue by eating it.

The Belko Experiment – Office workers are put in a last-man-standing situation.

The Black Waters of Echo’s Pond – Think Jumanji…but crap.

The Cleanse – Comedy horror starring Johnny Galecki (TV’s Big Bang Theory) in a group of individuals trying to change their lives for the better.

The Curse of Sleeping Beauty – A man moves into a house that happens to have Sleeping Beauty in it.

The Divide – Michael Biehn (The Terminator, Aliens and The Abyss) let’s people into his underground bunker during a nuclear fallout, it doesn’t go well.

The Dyatlov Pass Incident – Found footage horror movie about kids searching for answers in the Russian mountains.

The Facility – Several people take part in a drugs trial, but it has some unexpected side effects.

The Happy Prince – Following his release from prison Oscar Wilde settles down to life in France, but struggles to get over the lost love of his life.

The Hatred – Haunted house nonsense with one of the worst performances from a child I’ve ever seen.

The Human Race – 80 people wake up to find that they are in a literal race to the death, decent concept with poor execution.

The Human Centipede 3 : Full Sequence – Final film in the Human Centipede trilogy. More vile than anything you could imagine.

The Jokesters – Half decent found footage film about a prank gone wrong.

The Last of Us : Humanity – Short film based on the game, looks like the game but lacks the sense of danger.

The Lobster – Colin Farrell (Alexander, Phone Booth and In Bruges) lead comedy about a dystopian future in which you are turned into an animal if you are single for 45 consecutive days.

The Overnight – An awkward attempt at an outrageous comedy starring Adam Scott (TVs Parks and Recreation and The Secret Life of Walter Mitty).

The Poker House – Jennifer Lawrence (The X-Men franchise and The Hunger Games) and Chloe Grace Moretz (Kick Ass and The Miseducation of Cameron Post) in one of the biggest wastes of time that you will ever see.

The Proposition – Dull western style film starring Guy Pearce (Priscilla : Queen of the Desert, LA Confidential and The Time Machine).

The Ridiculous 6 – Blazing saddles wannabe starring Adam Sandler (Big Daddy, Happy Gilmore and Pixels) that has a reputation of being one of the worst films of the 2000s.

The Rise of the Krays – Low budget telling of the early years of the Kray brothers.

The Sand – Laughably bad horror film about kids who get eaten by a creature that has hatched on their beach.

The Sixth Man – A basketball film starring Marlon Wayans (Scary Movie and Requiem for a Dream). A team’s star player dies before he comes back as a ghost to help them cheat.

The Stranger – A nonsensical film that is loosely about vampires.

The Survivalist – A dull tale of a man who is trying to survive, only to come across two women who plot to kill him.

The Traveler – Lacklustre supernatural film starring Val Kilmer (Willow, Top Gun and Heart).

The Thing (2011) – Prequel to the 1982 film, but loses a lot of tension due to the use of CGI over practical.

The Trust – Elijah Wood (Lord of the Rings and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) and Nicolas Cage (Kick Ass and Con Air) as two cops out to make some money.

The Vanishing of Sidney Hall – Overly pretentious mystery movie set over three periods of an author’s life and career.

The Void – A horror movie that some compared “The Thing”, it isn’t though.

These Final Hours – Australian film about how a group of people spend their final hours before a wall of fire caused by an asteroid that has hit Earth.

Treading Water – A teenage boy that stinks of fish finds love for the first time.

Truth or Dare – A horror movie that is a bit like “Saw” but rather laughably tries to convince you that people in their late teens would play truth or dare at a party.

U

Unnatural – James Remar (Mortal Kombat : Annihilation) fights genetically modified polar-bear/wolf hybrids

V

Valhalla Rising – Mads Mikklesen (Dr Strange and Casino Royale) stars as a mute warrior that sails with a group of warriors to the crusades.

Vanishing on 7th Street – Hayden Christensen (The Star Wars franchise) stars in a poorly executed horror films.

W

Wakefield – Bryan Cranston (TV’s Breaking Bad and Godzilla) decides to make his family appreciate him by hiding in the attic in his garage.

Walk Like a Panther – British film about a group of aging wrestlers coming together to save their local pub.

We Are What We Are  – A movie about cannibals that is largely tedious and drags on.

Welcome to Me – Kristin Wiig (The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and Ghostbusters) plays a woman with a personality disorder. A film that doesn’t seem to realise that random doesn’t equal funny.

Wembley Winners – Highlights package of Lincoln City’s 2017/18 run in the much-maligned Check-a-trade trophy.

What We Did on Our Holiday – David Tennant (Fright Night) and Rosamund Pike (Gone Girl, Die Another Die and Entebbe) take their three kids to their grandfather’s birthday. The kids then set fire to him.

Who’s Driving Doug – RJ Mitte (TV’s Breaking Bad) stars as a college student with cerebral-palsy that goes on a trip to Las Vegas.

Wrestlers vs Zombies – Abysmal excuse for a film that seems to think that people will ignore how bad it is because it has household wrestling names.

WTF! – Diabolically bad horror film for that only teenagers will enjoy.

Wyrmwood : Road of the Dead – Laughably bad zombie film from down under.

X

XX – Anthology movie that tries to convince you that having four female directors makes up for having a boring stories.

Y

Z

Zombeavers – It’s beavers that have been turned into zombies. Need I say more?

Zombie Apocalypse – The second worst zombie film ever made.

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